This is incredibly vulnerable for me to share…it’s not easy for me in any way, but I feel the intuitive urge pulsing through my body telling me to share this with you, nonetheless.

I was going to hold off and write it at another time, a better time. Then I realized that there is no better time than when the urge to write and share is a force I cannot tame within me. The emotional charge towards this concept and experience is at its highest state within me right now and that tells me it’s the perfect time to explore this concept with you.

It’s actually 3:43 am as I’m writing this. The words keep flowing through my mind as my heart is cracked fully open in this moment. I was in a deep sleep dreaming about studying Tantra and sacred sexuality in my dreams. It was a beautiful dream that felt so real and pleasurable to explore in my sleeping state. I was jolted awake an hour ago by a powerful thunder storm, which unleashed a storm of emotions within me that have been stirring in my belly, heart, womb, and soul.

I was lying there feeling the empowering force and energy of the storm within me as I embraced the anxiety and excitement I was feeling towards the storm outside. Mother nature is so raw. So powerful. I immediately began to think of Kali, the goddess of destruction who shatters your heart and ego in the best ways possible to invite healing and your truest self into form. I was feeling her energy pulse through me. The Shakti energy.

This energy made me feel incredibly vulnerable and shattered open, especially considering a healing experience I created for myself last night. I realized that I needed to lie there for a while, basking in my emotions as they washed over every inch of my body, heart, and soul.

Something that has been present for me the past few months has been the concept of sacred sexuality and sexual healing. I never in a million years thought this would come up for me in my life, but then again, I never thought I would be doing any of the holistic healing I’ve done so far. This exploration has changed my life for the better.

Sexuality itself is so taboo and bi-polar in our society. We are obsessed with it, whether we are having it or not, and use it to market products and display it all over the media, yet we never talk about it or express it in a healthy, sacred manner. We never talk about the fact that sex is a spiritual, divine act of ultimate self-love and love for The Divine Union. We never acknowledge the presence, emotion, and level of consciousness when it comes to realizing how sacred our bodies, our sexual innocence, and our sexuality itself is.

We are sexual beings from birth. Pleasure is our birthright and so is our ability to sensually explore the world around us, including our own sacred bodies. There is so much healing needed in the realm of sexuality for both men and women. There is so much trauma, pain, heartbreak and anger we carry around in our bodies, our hearts and our souls. As women, we carry our trauma in our wombs and in our ‘sacred space’ or yoni, which is a Sanskrit term for vagina.

We suffer from trauma that is started from when we are toddlers all the way up to where we are now as adult women. All of the conditioning from the media, religion, and adults who unknowingly or knowingly cast their ideals and beliefs of sexuality, shame, denial of pleasure, and lack of sacredness when it comes to sex and the body on us through our lives. We live in a society where pleasure is not a priority. Where emotions and love are not expressed fully or properly or even at all at times. Where our sexuality is stuffed into a deep, dark box within us to fester for years until one day it explodes in the form of depression, unfulfilment in life and relationships, sexual/reproductive illness or issues and so much more. Denying our natural sexual nature or carrying around sexual trauma can cause serious dis-ease in the body and can manifest things like bladder or stress incontinence, fertility issues, cysts, pain, vaginal dryness, low libido and the list goes on and on.

This trauma we carry around isn’t just limited to sexual or emotional abuse, rape and other forms of sexual violence and abuse, but it can be as simple as being told to stop touching yourself or exploring your body when you were a small child. Over the years all of the shame, guilt and feelings that being sexual is wrong, dirty and will send us straight to the fiery depths of hell can take their toll on us holistically. Every single person on the planet carries around sexual trauma and it can stem from physical, emotional, mental or spiritual experiences or situations that affected us on some level negatively.

This is something that has become so present for me the past six months or so as I’ve begun my own personal journey into my sexual awakening. For me personally, my journey is about the ultimate surrender and trust to myself, my own sexuality, my sacredness and The Divine. This is not just about self-pleasure, although that is an essential and necessary part of it. This is about a connection to the fact that sex is a sacred, divine, spiritual act of union and love, whether it be alone or with another conscious partner.

I could talk about this topic for hours on end, but what I really wanted to share with you was a very vulnerable and healing experience I had last night. Over the past few months I’ve been doing a lot of inner and outer work in regards to holding my body in a sacred manner, viewing it as sensual, feminine, divine and sexual. I’ve been doing a lot of exercises, rituals and practices with journaling, meditating, pelvic floor strengthening exercises and using a jade egg and rose quartz crystal “pleasure wand” to transform the relationship with my body, sexuality and specifically my yoni.

I’m still a work in progress, as I will always be on this journey, shedding new layers and discovering old wounds flaring back up, but this has been the most profound experience of my life so far. Doing this work has helped me identify a lot of the shame, guilt, pain, sadness, and past experiences that I’ve been storing and carrying around in my womb for my entire life. Things I never realized had been affecting me and the choices I’ve made, the way I’ve carried and expressed myself sexually, emotionally, and spiritually, and the things I’ve settled for due to the lack of self-worth and love.

One concept that came up for me yesterday afternoon as I was watching a YouTube video by Vanessa Florence about The Maiden archetype was the feeling that I’d lost my innocence–my maidenhood, so to speak. This video brought me to tears and I felt my heart open and break in just the right way. It was a combination of the images she chose for the video, what she was saying, the emotions she was expressing, and the song playing, which was ‘Chocolate’ by Lisa Hall. This song stirred something incredibly emotional up from deep within my heart and between my hips. This is why I love music. It can transform an experience into a healing, cathartic realization or awakening sense of beautiful overwhelm instantly.

This particular female archetype has continued to come up for me in my life over the years, and even more so recently as I dive deeper into my sexual healing and awakening. The Maiden archetype. She is the aspect of our feminine self that is our connection to our inherent innocence, the sex and heart connection, and our ability to be open, vulnerable, carefree, and trusting. Consider this, when we’re born, we are innately innocent and trusting. We trust that our mother will nourish us fully with her breast milk. We trust our own bodies to explore everything with all of our senses actively engaged and awakened. We use our mouths to get to know anything and everything. We express our emotions fully as babies. If we’re mad, we scream and cry. If we’re hungry, frustrated, or need something, we let out a cry or make it known. We laugh when something makes us feel good. We express everything and we don’t hold back, but we are pure and sacred. Babies are brilliant and beautiful in that sense. They show the full range of emotions, which is completely natural and necessary.

Somehow as we get older the beliefs of our parents, society and community settle into our minds, which then trickles over into our hearts and our bodies. We start to form our own untrue beliefs or carry beliefs that don’t even belong to us around that affect all of the choices we make in life, how we express ourselves in the world, how we relate and process emotions, and how we connect to our bodies and our sexuality. Over the years we lose this connection to our innocence and our ability to be soft, trusting, open and vulnerable–with ourselves and with others–especially when it comes to loving our bodies and treating our own sexual nature as a sacred, spiritual, divine act of love and union.

As I was listening to this song on the video it made me immediately feel connected to The Maiden archetype and my innocence. I knew immediately that I needed to go deeper with this, no matter how terrified I was. Often we experience the most profound healing by facing what we feel the most resistance towards exploring within ourselves. If there is something you’re absolutely terrified of exploring or healing within yourself, chances are it will be the most cathartic and rewarding experience if you face the shadows that lurk there and bring them into the light with love.

One of the things I am most terrified of exploring, because I know it will be the most healing experience, is around my body, my sexuality and all of the trauma in my heart and womb. My journey to loving myself fully and connecting back to my sacred, sexual nature has been so emotional and vulnerable, yet is the most incredibly beautiful experience so far. It has lead to me realms within my life and self that I never knew were possible. It has connected me back to my state of pleasure, bliss, love and spiritual divinity. It has connected me to what is true for me.

This isn’t always easy and it wasn’t necessarily easy for me to go deeper within myself to reconnect with myself on all levels. I knew that I needed to recreate a sexual experience that I’d been carrying around for years. I needed to recreate it in a safe space with pure, loving intention and awareness. I needed to make it a sacred, loving, nurturing, healing experience so I could release the pain and shame towards my sexuality and reclaim my innocence. The first time I had sex was the opposite of this. It was a decision I made for the wrong reasons. I didn’t love or trust my body and I didn’t hold myself as sacred and worth waiting for. I wanted to give myself away to someone because I wasn’t getting what I wanted from the one person I wanted to give my innocence to. So in haste, I gave myself to someone who I truly didn’t want to share myself with. It was a lovely friendship, but I was not ready for this experience. I realized how much hurt, confusion, pain and sadness I caused myself that day and over the years by not giving myself what I deserved–love and holding myself in a sacred, worthy light.

I deserved an experience that was nothing but pure and divine love and appreciation. Of course, I didn’t understand this at the time. Imagine what it would be like if we were taught and shown how to properly express our sexuality and appreciate and love our bodies and emotions in a spiritual, sacred manner from a young age. If we understood that sex is not just about body parts connecting, but also about hearts connecting, and souls connecting, we’d realize how sacred, meaningful, and beautiful the act of sex is. It’s a union of bodies, souls, hearts and a conscious union in a divine sense.

It’s never too late to reclaim what you desire and deserve though. It’s never too late to heal and shed another layer to step into an experience you truly deserve. It’s never too late to reclaim your innocence, your maidenhood.

I had to do this for myself. I had to recreate my first time, but this time with myself. I had to do it in order to release all that was swelling up inside of me, brewing like a thunderstorm ready to crash down on my entire life.

I made the space beautiful and inviting–how I’d always imagined it would be–with candles, blankets, and pillows. I created a special playlist of music just for this healing experience and named it ‘Sacred Maiden Sexual Healing’ with songs that made me feel connected to my vulnerable, soft, sexual innocence. The first song on there was ‘Chocolate’ by Lisa Hall–I knew it would take me over the emotional edge, but I was ready and waiting.

Sex is not an act to be rushed. It’s a sacred experience to be indulged in, slowly. It’s about seduction, sensually exploring, worshipping the body, heart and soul. It’s about warming yourself up completely so that your body is ready with anticipation, drawing in and receiving naturally. As women, we are meant to receive. Our yonis are the greatest example of this. The ultimate receiver. However, a lot of trauma is caused to us by forcing sex when we are not ready, when we are not wet enough or even at all. Foreplay is essential. For me, foreplay resulted in an hour of seductive, wild dancing to music that connected me to a darker part within my sexuality, which I followed up with a loving breast massage using coconut oil. This allowed me to express, explore and fully feel all aspects of my sexual self: the unleashed wild woman, the sacred seductress, the lover, and the innocent beauty.

I wanted to explore slowly. To feel everything, physically, emotionally, spiritually as it came up. I wanted to feel wide open and vulnerable, but completely connected to myself. I showered myself with love and adoration. I slowly ran a peacock feather up and down my entire body, activating my feeling to receive touch and sensation in a pleasurable way. This was not about an orgasm or any goal. This was about healing, about releasing, about exploring the caverns within my body and heart so I could identify the shadows and bring them into the light with my own love for myself. As I listened to the music, I immediately began to feel hot tears streaking down my cheeks, rolling into my ears. I sobbed hard and just let myself feel everything as I used self-pleasure as a tool to open myself up and release. With trembling knees and deep belly breaths, I thought of all of the beliefs I’d told myself. I thought about all of the pain I’d caused myself and how much I loved myself now. I held myself. I soothed myself. I held the space for myself to safely explore the darkness and the pain fully.

I used my own loving hands, fingers, and rose quartz pleasure wand to guide me through this sexual journey. If you’ve never heard of a crystal pleasure wand before, I highly encourage you to check them out. Crystals are high-vibration stones from the earth, which can be used in all forms of healing. Rose quartz is recommended for this type of experience as it soothingly helps you open up and feel love. It connects you to your heart center, vulnerability, gentleness, and softness. I personally use this crystal pleasure wand and I adore it.

Once I felt that all of it was completely expressed, experienced and was ready to flow out of me, I let it all go. I felt peace wash over my entire body, heart, and soul in that moment. I knew that I couldn’t take myself any further this time around. I knew this was not necessarily about just the ritual of pleasuring myself, this was about healing. Knowing your body enough to trust it and not push it too far when healing is the intention is essential to not reinforce the trauma.

I still have so much left on my journey, but I’m no longer afraid. I’m excited and ready. I know that it won’t be easy and there will be times where my fears of healing will kick in, but sexual healing truly is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. It is the ultimate act of self-love and respect for our bodies. We are not just bodies. We are so much more. We have full, beautiful hearts, souls that long to fulfill a purpose, and a deep connection to something more–The Divine, whatever that means for you personally.

Going through this journey has made me realize that my purpose is so much greater than what I’ve thought. I long to help women heal holistically on all levels, especially in regards to the body being sacred, self-love, sensuality, femininity, and inviting pleasure into the body and life. I realize now that it expands beyond that. There is a much stronger force at work here, a divine force that is driving me towards an en even deeper realm in sexual healing and exploration of the connection between sacred sexuality, the feminine, spirituality and ultimately, love.

If you’re interested in reclaiming your innocence, among other things, through sexual healing, I encourage you to use the following tips. As always, please be gentle and loving towards yourself. Sexuality is a loaded topic and experience. There may be a lot of undoing, unraveling, and shedding of beliefs and pain that needs to take place before you can truly step into ecstasy and orgasmic pleasure. Just knowing it’s possible and that you’re worthy and deserving is honestly the first step.

You can begin the process of reclaiming your self-love and innocence through sexual healing by giving the following tips a try:

• Think back to the first memory you ever remember when it comes to sexuality. Perhaps when you realize the first belief in your mind and body formed, whether it was your own or someone else’s projected onto you. Write it down in great detail. Let it flow. Feel the emotions fully. Don’t push them down even farther into that deep, dark box you’ve been keeping them in. Now is the time to bring them into the light and accept them. Send love to them. Send love to yourself at whatever age you were when you experienced a situation or belief forming. 

• Think about your first experience with sexual engagement. Was it everything you dreamed it would be? Or was it the opposite of what you know you deserved? If so, gift yourself the experience of slowing down and sensually exploring yourself. It might require you to take baby steps over a period of weeks, months, or maybe even years depending on the level of trauma you carry. I encourage you to seek help or guidance from a trained sexual therapist or sacred sexuality coach if you need it. This can be incredibly healing on all levels. Recreate the experience for yourself as you would have wanted it to be, like I did above, if you feel comfortable enough. This is a slow process. Feel into it and never push yourself. 

• It all comes down to love: step up your self-love. Infuse your day with rituals of love devoted to you and only you. Breast massage, dance, drinking a cup of tea in nature, taking a hot bath, or pleasuring yourself with positive intentions in mind are options to consider. You know what you enjoy and you know what you need to heal, just tap into it and receive it. 

I really hope this helps you in some way. This is a very vulnerable post for me to share, but I need to get this out there. The amount of healing I’ve experienced in the few months I’ve been on my sacred, sexual healing journey is the most precious thing to me. It is the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself. Exploring the unknown, the most vulnerable, dark, deep, hidden, painful yet sacred place within me. The place where I can be set free, where I can connect to my truest self, and open myself up to so much more pleasure and divinity.

I truly believe that setting the foundation for sexual healing with self-love and body trust is the most crucial step. If you’re interested in scheduling a 1:1 coaching session with me to begin building this foundation so you can transcend new levels within your body, heart, and soul, please contact me here. Support is the most important tool you can allow in your journey and I’d be honored to gently guide you to healing.

Let’s connect!