I could feel it stirring deep in my soul. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it. All I could do was let it consume me completely and do the best I could to honor myself in the process…

I felt full of emotion, raw and heavy, pounding in my ears. My belly was knotted and my emotions were all over the wall. My stress levels had skyrocketed to an entirely new plane. I had a particularly rough Monday and I knew that I was only two seconds away from stuffing my face ferociously with sugary foods and anything else in my sight, for that matter.

I tried to meditate. I tried to breathe deep and FEEL the emotions. I needed to let them flow. Let them ride. Let them course through my veins, even if it meant that I’d end up with a tear-stained face, scarlet from screaming my lungs out.

I knew that my stress and emotional eating could take over any second, like a hideous, vicious beast. So I decided to do something I’d never done before. I gently told myself, “It’s okay. I know what you need. I know you could eat yourself into a sugar coma right now, but eating unhealthy sweets is only going to make things worse.”

I needed something to curb my sugar cravings though. I NEEDED it. I could feel it pulsing. It was like a dark wave washing over me. At first, I was slightly terrified of this need, because I had been working so long on healing my emotional/stress eating habits. Whenever I needed something sweet, I would try to find that “sweetness” in healthier ways. Snuggling my cats. Hanging with someone I care about. Doing one of my sacred, daily, self-love rituals.

But I knew what was coming… Stress Eating. Emotional Eating. One of my ancient, personal demons.

Normally I would have started to berate myself for feeling this need. I would have already started to feel guilty and internally chide myself for having no self-control, because I knew where I’d end up. I’d end up stuffing my face all night long or snacking on sweets until my belly was swollen with regret. I’d punish myself for the following days and my body, heart, and spirit would twist and contort in sadness and disappointment at my own self-inflicted cruelty.

But not this time. 

This time, I knew that I was going to go over the edge. I had been doing so well with stress management. Breathing deep at all the right times. Journaling, meditating, and doing yoga at other times. But those things, as amazing and healing as they are most of the time, were not going to cut it this time. I was knee deep in stress, anxiety, and had a knot the size of my fist taking the place of my solar plexus chakra.

So I took a different approach. I chose to consciously indulge. I empowered myself and consciously decided to let myself go crazy on the sweets.

I looked up a paleo brownie recipe and whipped up a batch using organic ingredients, such as raw cacao powder, ghee, raw honey, and coconut flour. I tried my hardest to use the best of the best when it came to ingredients and infused it with as much love and compassion as I could given my self-crises state of mind.

I wasn’t sure what to expect of myself after I made them, but I knew that no matter what, I was NOT going to punish myself. I was NOT going to be disappointed or defeated. I was NOT going to deprive myself or turn to even worse ways of dealing with my anxiety, emotions, and stress.

And yes, I did devour the entire pan of brownies, while simultaneously crying (and laughing hysterically at myself at one point), without one ounce of guilt, shame, or punishment. It had been less than 48 hours and I had licked that pan clean, desperately sucking the crumbs off of my hands. Some of you may gasp at this. Some of you may hesitantly or boldly raise your hand alongside me, perhaps having gone through something similar yourself.

And you know what? It’s okay to go over the edge sometimes. It’s okay to consciously choose to indulge, to melt into “giving in.” For me, this was not a defeat. It was, however, a surrender, but not in the way you might think. I surrendered to my self-control. I let go of being “perfect,” whatever the the fuck that means anyway. I let go of always doing the “right” thing and let myself spiral into a new territory of healing: conscious insanity. 

Conscious insanity allows you to explore your deepest, darkest emotions while simultaneously empowering yourself. YOU make the choice. You SURRENDER the need to always control everything and you allow yourself to relax into a new, raw state of healing. It may terrify you. It may excite you. It may bring up even more emotion and anxiety, but through consciously choosing to surrender, you are giving yourself the opportunity to face your shadows. Only when you face these shadows can you invite true, sustainable healing into your body and your life.

Your body is a sacred temple and you need to honor it. Always. Your spirit and heart are so full of love and depth, which needs to be fully FELT and EXPRESSED. Even if it takes you over the edge. Even if you have to consciously choose to surrender and get your hands a little dirty with insanity.

I promise you that if you allow yourself this type of surrender you will quickly experience a healing so cathartic that it will allow you to shed even more layers than if you had resisted, tried to control it, or punished yourself repeatedly.

This surrender is the ultimate gift of self-love. We are not perfect. We are simply Divine, sacred beings made of stardust, energy, and LOVE.

I’m not saying that the answer is to drown your sorrows in a pan of brownies (or whatever it is for you), unless you think it will truly help. But sometimes you simply need to RELEASE your attachment to controlling how you REACT to each encounter you have with stress, anxiety or deep emotions. Sometimes you need to forget about always REACTING the “right” way, the “perfect” way, or the way you think you should react.

Let’s not should all over ourselves now. 

The greatest thing that came about from this experience was that I now feel more in control of how I react to those types of situations. Which is crazy, right? I surrendered my need to control and in turn, I now experience the feeling of being more in control when I have those moments of chaos and stress. I know that if I feel that need, I will SURRENDER trying to control how I react and I will choose to consciously react in whatever way feels natural. I will surrender the need to expect it to go one way or another, and that is so damn liberating.

Free yourself from control. Free yourself from expectations. Let your wings spread and soar freely into the oblivion of true healing.

Please leave me a comment below and let me know if you struggle with emotional/stress eating. If so, do you punish yourself when you go over the edge? Have you ever experienced clarity, like I did, from choosing “conscious insanity?”